Trust I Seek Read online

  Trust I Seek

  Laura Gates

  Copyright © 2020 Laura Gates

  All rights reserved

  The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

  ISBN: 978-1-7352839-0-6

  Cover design by: Mary Hatton

  Edited by: Jessica Smith

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2018675309

  Printed in the United States of America

  Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Introduction

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Introduction

  Metallica is the original artist who wrote the song titles named in this book. Feel free to purchase a Metallica album and follow along for an amazing journey of two people who have been through a lot of trauma who grow in friendship, love, and trust. I would recommend the following records: The Black Album, Ride the Lightning, Reload, and St. Anger. The following characters and stories are loosely based on members, family members, and associates of the heavy metal band, Metallica. Any similarities are strictly coincidental. I got the idea while watching the documentary Some Kind of Monster. At the same time, a bunch of my friends were going through or went through various divorces mostly because their husbands mistreated and abused them. It broke my heart watching them struggle. This book was also an opportunity to combine various passions of mine: Metallica, music, the performing arts, fitness, Zumba, and Strong Nation.

  Chapter 1

  Relapse

  Beau stared at the three coffins in front of him. One was an adult coffin, and the other two were for children. Inside the adult casket was his wife, Phoebe, and the children’s caskets contained his two children, Chloe and Cordell. The minister recited the famous Psalm 23 as Beau reflected on the last day his family was alive.

  Phoebe loaded Cordell into the car seat just as Beau kissed Chloe on the cheek before she climbed into the car to buckle herself up. It was Tuesday, Library Day, where the kids would enjoy dancing, storytime, and a craft at the library. Phoebe would then take them to go check out some books so they would be able to have new stories to read for the week. Even though Beau was a member of Death Toll, the most successful metal band in the world, he and his wife decided to raise their kids as normal as possible giving them chores, library days, trips to children’s museums, and the occasional meal prep when Phoebe cooked. Beau baked cakes for everyone on their birthday and even decorated.

  Beau stood between 6’1 and 6’2, towering over his band mates, Luke, Kade, and Rick. He had blond hair, hooded almond shaped blue eyes, and very broad shoulders and chest. Down-picking on the guitar had something to do with that. He also had sleeve tattoos up and down his arms, representing major events in his life and beliefs. He also had a neck tattoo of a flying skull singing. He had tattoos going across his clavicle with his kids’ names on them as well as a spot reserved for a third name. “Carpe Diem” was tattooed on his arm with flames around it, representing a pyrotechnic accident that happened about four years before that nearly killed him, but the only evidence of the accident was a few scars on the right side of his face. He had the bass solo played by the original bassist of Death Toll and his friend, Nole Bradshaw, tattooed on his arm shortly after Nole died. He had the words “Riff Life” tattooed on his knuckles. Even though he abandoned the religion of his childhood, Christian Science, Beau considered himself Christian, still.

  Just before she climbed into the Subaru, Phoebe walked back to Beau and kissed him. “We will be back in about an hour and a half. Lunch afterward?” she asked. “Yes. Let me know where to meet you,” he said before giving her one last kiss. “Will do. I also have some news for you and the kids,” Phoebe said. “Oh, did you get your acceptance letter yet?” Beau asked hoping Phoebe had received her letter to the Academy of Art to receive her Master’s in Fashion. “No, not yet. It’s something different,” Phoebe said, “Bye, Baby.” Phoebe leaned in for one more kiss. “Bye, Babe,” Beau said, kissing her back, opening her door for her, and watching his sweet family drive away.

  Everything from there on seemed hazy, from the time he got a phone call that his family had been in a car accident, killing Cordell instantly and putting Phoebe and Chloe in the ICU. Both died within the hour. Phoebe was ten weeks pregnant with their third child. The very next day, the acceptance letter for Phoebe arrived in the mail.

  Beau watched as his family was lowered into the ground. The minister had asked him to say something, but Beau forgot. The minister nudged him before Beau pulled out a piece of paper.

  “Phoebe was Argentinian by birth, but you would never have guessed because of her blond hair and blue eyes. She wasn’t the typical-looking Latina, but she was beautiful inside and out. I met her on our Thrash Tour where she worked as a costume designer for us. She always had a good eye for Fashion. Phoebe was an avid dancer, especially Latin music. She obtained her BFA in Fashion all while dealing with a husband battling alcoholism. Rather than abandon him, Phoebe stuck with him but gave him an ultimatum. She was so loving and kind. Phoebe devoted her time as a wife and mother to making sure her kids were ready to take care of themselves in adulthood. Before she died, she was accepted to get her Master’s in Fashion, a dream she had had since Cordell was born. Phoebe Halstead will be missed tremendously, but may we all remember her devotion to her family and friends,” Beau concluded.

  Beau wondered what he did to deserve this as fellow bandmates, Luke, Kade, and Rick, approached him with their families. They each offered their condolences and offered to open their homes to him if he wanted a change of scenery. He declined the offer because he wanted to be alone. Soon, his in-laws came to give him a hug, as well as his sister, Dinah. His older half-brothers, Edward and Ethan, were also there to offer their support at the funeral. His siblings had been staying with him in preparation for the funeral as well as helping him out. “Are you sure you don’t want us to stay with you another week?” Ethan asked. “No, I’ll be fine,” Beau reassured. One by one as everyone approached him and Phoebe’s parents to offer their condolences, they said goodbye.

  Soon, Beau was all alone in his 11,000 square foot home. He sat down in his favorite armchair, feeling empty inside. Suddenly, all of the awful thoughts came into his head; she finally abandoned you, and she took the kids with her. Everybody leaves you. First, your dad, then your mom, Nole, Jacob, and now your family.

  Beau had ignored that voice for five years since he got home from rehab, but it was louder this time around. You have nothing. Soon, everyone else you love and care about will leave you. There’s only one thing that can help you get through this, the voice said. Beau couldn’t take it anymore. The scenery around him became hazy again, and he soon found himself in a cab on his way to some place he hadn’t been in five years; a bar.

  Beau, still wearing his suit, sat at the bar drinking his drink of choice, Jagermeister. “Hey, man. Can I have another on
e of these?” Beau asked the bartender holding up the glass. The bartender took the money. He looked up at Beau and realized, “You’re Beau Halstead from Death Toll. So sorry to hear about your family.” Beau winced a smile and nodded. The bartender set another glass down in front of Beau, and he began sipping it slowly.

  “Hold on, haven’t you claimed to be straight-edge?” the bartender asked.

  “Are you my mother? I’m a damn paying customer. What else matters?” Beau said, starting to slur. The bartender held up his hands, giving up the argument.

  What now, he thought to himself again, watching the bartender work to fill other customer’s drinks. He only knew of two lifestyles, and he gave the other one up for his family. There is no family, so why bother, the negative voice in his head said.

  Beau drank a bottle of Jagermeister from the early evening clear until Last Call. He soon ordered a beer, watching the place go from being mostly dead to hopping with lots of people. There were all sorts of people, including some captivating girls. One had very long blonde hair just like Phoebe, another had short black hair that sat on her shoulders, and the other had very long brown hair. They sat at a booth not too far from the bar where Beau sat at.

  Eventually, the three girls were joined by another group of girls. They all looked like they were happy, which was something Beau missed being for the past week and a half. He kept sipping his beer and watching a group of girls. Whenever one would stand up to get another round of drinks for the booth, which was usually the pretty blonde, some idiot guy would hit on her, but the blonde kept blowing the guy off. Beau tried remembering some of the things he used to say during his crazy days. He knew he didn’t have to work that hard considering he was the frontman for one of the biggest metal bands in the world.

  Beau decided he was going home with one of those girls, preferably the blonde because of her long hair like Phoebe’s. He grabbed his beer and stood up. Beau stumbled a little but managed to balance himself. He walked over to the group of girls and said, “I could not help but notice you guys having the most fun in this bar. May I join you?” The girls were at first, a little taken aback because of his appearance. However, the blonde he had his eye on asked him, “Are you Beau Halstead of Death Toll?” Beau smiled and thought to himself, Nailed it. “Yes, I am,” he said. The blonde scooted over and made room for Beau to sit down.

  All of the girls started to talk to him about what he was doing at the bar, showing sympathy for the loss of his family, asking what they could do to make him feel better, and offering to pay his tab. “You know,” said the blonde to everyone, “let’s get out of here. There is a club down the street. Let’s show Beau a good time.” The girls and Beau started climbing out of the booth. The girls took turns throwing down dollar bills, and Beau threw down $50.00.

  They all stumbled down the street towards the nightclub. The group of girls and Beau walked towards the front of the line knowing that Beau would get them in. When the bouncer saw Beau, he immediately let him and the girls in. Beau hadn’t been to a club for a long time, so Beau wasn’t sure what to expect. When they got inside, he regretted not having earplugs. The lights flashed, and the music was EDM, which was not his favorite. He watched the blonde girl dance to the music as they made their way to the dance floor, so he decided to make an exception.

  The girls proved to be quite loose as they all danced with each other, ground with other guys, and ground in Beau’s lap. He had bought a beer to sip on while dancing to make the evening more tolerable. The room began to spin as he stumbled while dancing. The blonde girl soon started to dance closer to Beau. Their faces got incredibly close before she made a move. They kissed, danced, and kissed some more. Beau’s head kept spinning and pounding in pain.

  Everything inside of him was telling him to stop this erratic behavior, but then the negative voice inside his head kept saying, Why bother? He eventually ended up in the blonde’s apartment. They went at it all night long until they fell asleep in her bed.

  The next morning, Beau woke up to the biggest headache of his life fighting the urge to throw up. The previous night was a little hazy. Beau looked around to see if he recognized where he was, which he didn’t. He didn’t remember the girl in bed with him. Beau quietly slipped out of bed, grabbed his clothes with his phone, slipped his boxers back on, and proceeded to leave the apartment very quietly. He descended the stairs while getting dressed.

  As Beau put his shirt on, he walked outside onto the street. The light stung his eyes, and he covered them up with his hand. As his eyes adjusted, Beau looked at his surroundings, trying to figure out where he was. Once he became familiar with the street he was on, he hailed a cab to take him back to his house in Novato. He paid the cabby as he climbed out of the car. He walked up the driveway to his house.

  Beau opened his front door and walked in. The house felt very lonely as he walked into the kitchen to get something to eat. For the past few days, he had been living off of cereal, toast, and energy drinks while his relatives stayed with him.

  The previous night was the first night he had touched alcohol in about 5 years. He felt dirty inside, but the emptiness he felt was even stronger. The void needed to be filled somehow, and he only knew of one other way to fill it. He checked the time, and he realized he had to get to the studio in less than an hour. He quickly showered and cleaned up to get rid of the stench and memories of the previous day. Beau brushed his teeth twice to ensure the alcohol smell was gone. He put on new clothes, and he slicked his blond hair back. Beau trimmed his goatee.

  Beau looked down at the P tattooed on his left hand. He missed his wife so badly. The irony in all of this was that she would know how to help him feel better. Fighting his demons, he ran downstairs, grabbed his helmet, walked out to his garage, climbed on his favorite chopper, and drove off to the studio. He stopped at a coffee shop on the way to help combat the hangover and headache.

  When he got to the studio, Beau walked inside the equipment room and picked up his white ESP Explorer. He proceeded to walk into the recording room. Beau started noodling on his guitar. He could not help but feel sad, angry, depressed, and frantic, which appeared in his guitar playing. He went along with it and began writing everything down that he did. Everything became louder, more agitated, and angrier.

  Soon, Luke, Kade, and Rick joined Beau in the recording room. Luke sat at the drums, Kade plugged his guitar into his amp, and Rick plugged his bass into his amp. Soon, the other bandmates began noodling along with Beau. They matched the anger he felt, and they began to empathize with him. The bandmates hadn’t seen Beau this angry since before he met Phoebe.

  Luke Jeppsen stood a little over 5’5, the shortest member of Death Toll, and the only member born outside of the US. He was born and raised in Copenhagen, Denmark. He did not look like the stereotypical Dane, though. Luke inherited the Jewish traits from his paternal grandmother, so he had dark brown hair like a Jew, but because of the Scandinavian blood in him, he ended up with green eyes. He was considered very slender, almost feminine looking. Beau often teased him about that. Whether it was this reason or some other reason, Beau and Luke often butted heads.

  Kade Hansen, the lead guitarist, stood about 5’7 with black curly hair that sat on his shoulders and dark brown eyes. He was the only member of the band that had Filipino ancestry, which showed in his physical features. He was also considered very slim, but that’s because he was a vegetarian just like Luke. Kade often tried to keep his ego in check, especially during the early days when Beau and Luke argued a lot.

  Even though Rick stood 5’9, he was the strongest out of them all. It was mainly due to all of the surfing and skateboarding he did with his two kids. He was the third bassist in Death Toll after the second one, Jacob, quit. Rick was of Mexican and Native American descent with the longest full name of the band; Ricardo Angel Manuel Eduardo Diego Sebastian Torres Vasquez. His black hair went all the way down to the middle of his back. His wife, Kaylee, often braided his hair in four braids during
concerts. His eyes were dark brown. Of all the band members, Rick was the happiest and most laid back.

  Luke stopped playing, got Beau’s attention, and asked, “Do we need to take some time off? I mean, your family’s funeral was yesterday. Maybe we can resume in about a month or two when you’ve had time to process.”

  “I need to stay busy,” Beau replied.

  “Are you sure?” Kade asked.

  “If I don’t stay busy, I will fall apart. We need to finish this album,” Beau said irritably. The guys decided to back off.

  “Okay, let’s get to work,” Luke said.

  The band ended up writing about five songs that day with this crazy edge that Beau brought into his playing. Plus, they went back to their old thrash metal rhythms, which made Luke very happy. When they were done, it was about 6:00 PM. They were all hungry and went into the kitchen where they had ordered food for the week. Beau watched his friends begin digging into their food.

  “You know what? I’m going to take off. I have some things I need to do before tomorrow,” Beau said, imagining the taste of Jagermeister in his mouth and the thrill of going home with another woman that evening. Luke, Kade, and Rick turned to look at Beau.

  “You sure, man?” Luke asked.

  Beau nodded. “Yep, I’m good. Just need some more alone time.”

  “All right, see ya, Beau!” the band said each one by one.

  Beau’s night ended up just like the previous except he went to a different bar this time where he felt the girls would appreciate tasteful music. He woke up the next morning in another apartment in a different bed with a new girl.